thank god. if he fucking exists. nevermind. THANK SCIENCE and the scientists who invented this shit. otherwise i’d be a goner. definitely not 100% ok yet but significantly better.
so it’s NOT my boyfriend causing my depression. He was NOT being emotionally abusive. I was irritable because of my depression, was too ashamed to tell him, and it all went to shit from there.
Now things are much better. He understands why I was the way I was and why I would have considered his “reactions” as “abusive” so we’re working things out.
Let’s see if I can kick depression to the curb for a 30th time lol.
Sometimes I wonder..
Started prozac 10mg, like 3 days ago, it’s gona increase and they’re adding some other stuff to it + therapy. Great.
Might as well start up this fucking blog again.
I’m pretty sure it’s because the person who I thought was the “love of my life” is emotionally abusing me and I’m prone as fuck to depression because my brain sucks.
Before all this depression shit I used to just get OUT of shitty relationships immediately. Now that I’m older and more depressed it’s like “fuck what if I never get married?” which i know is insane because I’m 24, petite, have a decent face, and am a good person so someone is bound to want to marry me some day BUT FOR FUCK’S SAKE. IM GOING THROUGH THIS AGAIN?
Here we fucking go again. At least this time I KNOW there’s a way out and I DON’T have to feel like this all the time. There IS hope. I’ll post stories of how my bf is a jerk shortly.
When you recover… going through your old blog is so strange.
This is such a weird feeling right now.
I can’t believe I allowed my ex to make me feel so shitty. I can’t believe I stayed with him that long. I can’t believe the confidence I lacked.
It’s all back now.
Oh and that friend I had anxiety about that day? He’s the love of my life now.
So yeah just an update after I read a lot of my old posts lol.
IT GETS BETTER SERIOUSLY.
Just read my blog where I was back then, a year ago, and where I am today! It’s worth it. Keep up with your meds, cut out toxic people, change your diet, exercise. It didn’t take one day for depression to take over your life, you weren’t “fine” one day and suicidal the next, it took a period of time. Whether it was a slow chemical imbalance, slow mental abuse, etc, it didnt take one day to completely consume your life. IT ALSO IS NOT GOING TO TAKE ONE DAY FOR IT TO GO AWAY. so please, keep at it. If you ever feel like you can’t just read my posts from last year, and read my new posts from today.
IT GETS BETTER.
I wish I saw some accounts of people who felt better after depression. I WISH. So that’s why as much as I want to forget that I had depression, I am not deleting anything. I want everyone who is feeling how I felt to be able to see that yes, I was there, and yes I am here now.
TOOK A FUCKING YEAR. DON’T LOSE PATIENCE JUST KEEP IT UP
I’d like to share with everyone that I’m off my meds and totally fine now. Battling depression for a good … my entire life… on and off, finally got help for it a year and a half ago, and now I’m 100% fine!
If I could beat depression, you guys can too. I was at such a low point.
I want to seriously stress that diet helps - go on a gluten free diet for a week, see how you feel.
I think gluten has something to do with depression. I learned I’m severely gluten intolerant now, maybe that is what was causing the depression? Who cares, the point is, DO IT. IT MIGHT SAVE YOUR LIFE.
I don’t care how low you feel right now, one day you will feel better, you will amount to something, you probably already are something but you don’t realize it yet!
I’ll try to update this blog more.
I really haven’t been updating this page much.
To be completely honest it’s because I really am getting better, and I neTRUEed to stay as far away from this blog as possible because this is a negative thing for me. This blog was created so I could vent, talk about what was on my mind, and empathize with people feeling the same way as me. Ever since I have been getting better I have been trying to shy away from updating and even checking it so much for fear of getting back to that suicidal thinking.
It just occurred to me that it’s not fair to the people following me. I need to be there for you guys and let you guys know there’s hope. You can feel better. Just stick to your meds, change your diet if you have to (going gluten free worked for me!), and do whatever the hell you have to do to feel better. I wouldn’t trade this for the world.
Currently I’m not 100%”happy”. I still don’t knwo what TRUE happiness feels like but I’m confident I will get there. I’m pretty “neutral” if that makes any sense. So I’m not as depressed as I was a few months ago but I’m not happy, I’m somewhere in between. Whatever, I’ll take it. I don’t want to kill myself anymore which is a good enough feeling for me to want to go on and try to keep getting better because I know that at least mediocrity is attainable.
I’m still on 75mg of Effexor every day, and changing my diet to a strict gluten free diet has SERIOUSLY helped so much. I’m not one to say that this will help you but what do you have to lose by trying it for a week? My doctor still thinks I need to be on my meds until at least the spring/summer because the shitty weather right now can mess me up again but we’ll see what happens. My goal is to start weaning off the meds by March… we’ll see what happens.
So yeah I don’t know how to end this off. I’ll try to update at least once every few weeks.
Looking back on my old posts I can’t believe that was me… It’s realy blown my mind… which is also why I’ve been staying away from this because it does scare me quite a bit.
I went gluten free a few weeks ago… and I don’t feel as miserable… could there be a connection?
I googled it and apaprently there IS a connection… If this is the case I will never touch gluten again.
I still have my off days but I’m amazed at how great I feel in general…
I don’t want to speak too soon either but could it be almost over??